You Mean Too Much
by Soul Flash
Summary: Cartman isn't so great at hiding his feelings from Kyle. One-shot. Cartman POV. Companion fic to OSN's I Can't Lose You. Kyman.


A/N: Another Kyman story? I think so! =D This one's actually the alternate version of OSN's 'I Can't Lose You.' I had posted it before, but I took it down for reasons I'd rather not get into. Anyway, this thing has really been nothing but a bitch for me. It probably doesn't surprise any of you now when I say that I don't like the way it turned out at all. But who am I to judge? I've been staring at it for about an hour. It's not as wonderful as OSN's version - which was written first - and it probably never will be no matter how hard I work on it, but that's cool! XD I tried my best and now I'm sick of it. Therefore, it's getting posted. I'm letting you guys decide if it's anything worthy of the first story (go read if you haven't yet) or if it should just be thrown out of a window and forgotten.

Enjoy!

Warnings: Kyman. =D

* * *

Everyone has their secret. Something that they would do anything to protect; something they would risk their life to keep to themselves. Take it with them to the grave so to speak.

I had one of those secrets. It was a secret that gave me more feelings than I could keep track of. It made me sick to my stomach, but it also made me feel as if I could take on the world. It made me dizzy to the point where I almost fainted, and yet it made me feel like I actually had a chance of understanding the shit that went down in the craphole of a town that I lived in.

I didn't quite understand why I had to have such a conflicting secret. It was fucking annoying. Still, I knew that I had to keep it to myself.

No matter what.

It was a cold as fucking usual night, and I was out for a walk to help clear my thoughts. My mind was buzzing with thoughts, all completely focused on one person and one person only. The mixed feelings I had because of this person didn't help my inner turmoil, either. It was all so obnoxious and frustrating to me that I had to go out for a fucking walk just to keep myself from punching a hole in my wall. Seriously, it was that bad.

For some reason still unknown to me, I had decided to walk around the bad side of town during this little stroll of mine. The poor ass part where Kenny McCormick, one of my 'friends,' lived. Because it was late, I didn't bother paying him a visit. Not like he could have provided my anything, anyway. His family was so poor that they couldn't afford a fucking door, let alone hosting skills.

Believe it or not, it was actually a good thing that I had decided to skip past Kenny's house. I headed towards an alleyway that was a shortcut back to my house, soon finding that I wasn't alone in my nightly stroll; in fact, alone was far from it.

My ears quickly perked up at the sound of several voices coming from the alleyway; it sounded like a gang of kids threatening someone. I paid mind for about two seconds before grunting, letting out a sharp chuckle, and continuing on. It really wasn't my style to jump in, play hero, and save someone's ass, so I had planned to skip the alleyway and take another route.

However, a familiar voice stopped me right in my tracks.

"Let me go," came the hoarse, weak voice.

My heart stopped when I realized just who that voice belonged to.

Kyle Broflovski.

The center of my troubled thoughts; the one person I couldn't stop thinking about; the one person who had haunted my fucking thoughts for the past week and a half. From what I could tell he was in trouble, and it was only when I saw the flash of a gun that I felt the anger boil inside me.

Again, I didn't normally play hero, but I had to save him. After all, he was...

I heard laughter and that was all it took for me to spring into action. "Let go of Kahl, you asshole!" I yelled, quickly throwing a fist into the face of the kid who was holding Kyle captive. He was quickly knocked over on the ground, blood soon gushing out of his nose. I didn't have much time to revel in my victory as his pussy friends came towards me, ready to take me down. With a force then unknown to me, I took them all out on a heartbeat, adding to the carnage. And because they were such pussies and couldn't handle the beating I just gave them they all ran off crying like babies, leaving me alone with Kyle.

Totally. Alone.

I could only imagine what kinds of questions he was going to ask me. I would have regretted saving him if he wasn't so goddamned important to me. In fact, I wouldn't have saved him in the first place. If I had hated him as much as I used to, I would have left him to get robbed and pummeled.

But he was important. Very important. And if I hadn't saved him, he could have been... dare I say it... killed. He could have been killed, just like that one time so many years ago, and I would have been forced to stare into those cold, lifeless eyes again. I would have been – once again- haunted by the fact that I wasn't there to save him, how I could have prevented his death but didn't. How I would never see him again and actually grow a pair and tell him that I-

"What... what was that for, Cartman?" he asked as we looked at each other. Just the kind of question I was expecting from him.

"They were going to hurt you, Kahl." I explained as calmly as I could, still not able to shake the fact that I could have lost him. Again. My next words were hard for me to say in a straight voice. Somehow I managed. "Or kill you."

He blinked at me and tilted his head, obviously confused. I didn't blame him. It wasn't like me to be this nice to him. "But... you hate me. Why would you help me...?"

"You'd be surprised at how much bullshit I spew at you." I scoffed. "Now get home, you stupid Jew."

I gave him the insult, but it was completely empty to me. I didn't want to mean it, but I had to for the sake of keeping my secret safe. Of all the people in the world, he was the last person I was going to spill it to. "They might come back."

I paused for a second, looking around warily. There was no doubt that I had completely lost my trust in the area that was around us. For all I knew, those asshole were just faking their escape; they could have been hiding out anywhere, waiting for round two. I wasn't taking any chances with that. Not with Kyle's safety on the line. He meant way too much to me. I wasn't ever going to let him know that, but it was true. He meant way too fucking much.

"On second thought, I'll go with you." I suggested. "Damn hippies are probably gonna try again."

Without hesitating, I took hold of his hand and began to walk, keeping it in a tight grip so that he wouldn't try to run away. To my surprise, he didn't. My guess was that he was too shocked by the fact that I was even doing any of this for him to even care about trying to get away. I didn't care at the moment; he could think what he wanted. I was more concerned about getting him to a safe place than anything. I cursed myself again for feeling this way, but I believed now more than ever that I was beginning to accept it. Perhaps I was still shaken by the fact that someone was holding him at gunpoint for whatever reason to convince myself that this was totally wrong.

But... I just... I couldn't lose him.

He... meant too much.

"You... you're stronger than I thought you were." he said awkwardly.

I simply grunted and maintained my quick pace. I gave him no answer.

He tried again. "Really, Cartman. You fought those guys off like you were some sort of superhero."

I grunted again, this time choosing to answer so that he might shut his goddamned Jew mouth. I looked over my shoulder at him, a deep frown on my face. "Yeah, well, I kick ass." I explained simply, "You know that, Kahl. Stupid Jew." Again, I muttered the insult simply for show.

He seemed to notice this time. "Are you okay?" he asked in a concerned voice.

I sighed mentally. There wasn't one moment that I didn't wish he really meant that. I would have given anything for him to even look at me like that. It certainly would have made things a hell of a lot easier.

My reply to him was as cold as the night air. "You give a crap?" I laughed bitterly, my heart aching at the way I was treating him. God, this was all so fucking stupid...

"You saved my life," he said. "I'm too stunned to remember to hate you."

I was silent for a second, still stuck on telling myself how stupid this was. How stupid he was. How stupid I was. If he wasn't asking so many goddamned stupid questions, it wouldn't have been so hard for me. But_ no_, he just _had_ to be his stupid self and pry into everything I did, over-analyzing it until he had picked it apart completely. I finally figured I could tell him just enough information to get him off my back. And only a little. I mean, I certainly couldn't have him knowing..._ that._

I sighed and shook my head. "No, I'm not okay." I felt my heart clench in my chest again as I said my next words. "I almost lost you."

He took in a deep breath and answered. "But... you almost lost me a few years back, with the kidney thing. It would have been your fault." I winced at this, but didn't dare let him see. "And other occasions..."

"I didn't care back then." I said abruptly, clenching my teeth together. I had to be careful here. Any kind of slip up and I was done for. My hope was that he would leave it at that.

He did, but not for long. We continued in silence for a few moments, and just as I was beginning to believe that he really had dropped it, he surprised me by saying, "Well... what made you care?"

Here I stopped, letting go of his hand and turning to face him with a grave look on my face. This time it wasn't just something I put up for show, either. It was real.

"Kahl..." I started slowly, soon sighing and looking away from him. I considered telling him a little more of what made me care so much, but the better part of me said that it would give him too much information. Kyle was a smart kid, and he wouldn't take anything that I said lightly. I soon looked back at him, ready to give him an alternative. "You know me, right? And you know that I'd never admit anything to unbalance my social standing? Right?"

He didn't answer to that. All he did was stand there and look at me, so I took that as a cue to go on. Again, I took it carefully here, hoping he would drop it after I made my next statement.

"Basically, the thing that makes me care is one of those things that I will take to the grave. That is, unless I find a reason to do so." Which was highly unlikely; something we probably both knew. "Understand, Jew?"

He nodded.

I was about to leave it there and be done with it, but my mind and mouth had different plans. "But I will tell you this, Kahl: you mean more to me now than you ever did. If I really had the opportunity to wipe out all the Jews, I'd probably keep you alive." Here was when I finally realized what I was doing, so I made a move to cover it up, as lame as it was. "But don't be flattered. You'd be my slave or somethin'." Looking at him made me realize that the cover-up didn't work out so well. I could tell that he felt that I really meant that first part.

My mind freaked again, scuttling about as I tried to spit out another excuse. "You're still a stinking dirty Jew to me." I added quickly, "And all that other shit I say. But... I dunno..." I said, having another change of heart. "I don't hate you for it. A lot." I kicked the snow nervously, realizing that I had made yet another mistake. This certainly wasn't getting easy for me at all. I tried to mutter another insult, but any meaning it had was lost completely. "Stupid Jew."

I was shocked when Kyle pulled me close to him, embracing me in a tight hug. As soon as he wrapped his arms around me, I felt my cheeks heat up, and I raised my head to give him a look that would make him quit. But as soon as I moved my head, he buried his face in my neck, making me even more uncomfortable. I tried to will my blush away so that he at least wouldn't see it when he pulled back.

"Thank you, Cartman. Thanks a lot. For saving me."

As soon as he said that, he pulled away and looked me in the eye. I still had a dumbfounded look on my face, but at least the blush was gone. Or so I hoped.

If it wasn't, he didn't bother to point it out. Instead he turned to leave, waving and saying, "I think I can get home on my own. Thanks, dude."

Though I should have just let him walk away, something in me made me reach out and grab his hand at the last second. There was no way it was the fact that I actually wanted him to stay with me. Oh no. It was... something else. Yeah. Something else.

Still, I had made the move, and now he was expecting an answer from me. My quick mind conjured up something again, and I hoped that he would buy it this time. "Uh... d-don't tell anyone. Not even Stan. Okay? No one can know. I hate you. That's the image." I quickly stuttered something else; something I hated to face even though it was true, "A-and you hate me."

"I know." he said, surprising me a little. "What, did you actually think I'd tell anyone about this?" He surprised me again. "I can't rat you out after you saved my life."

I swallowed, feeling my heart beat faster in my chest. "Okay..." I replied weakly. "T-thanks, Jew."

My heart began to beat even faster as we stood there, - out in the thirty degree weather - staring at each other and saying nothing. I felt myself move forward a bit, subconsciously in the hope that I could really show him how I felt. However, I soon realized what I was doing and pulled back again. I noted that I was still holding his hand in mine. Embarrassed, I quickly let go and muttered, "See you tomorrow, Kahl," before running off.

As soon as I got back to my house, I immediately slammed the front door behind me. I didn't stop to catch my breath until I had made it up to my room, closing the door hastily as if there were zombies chasing me for my brain. I gasped for air, not moving from my position against the door for a good moment or two. When I finally composed myself again, I slowly made my way over to my bed and flopped down on it, feeling as stiff as a board. I was so shaken up at the moment it wasn't even funny.

Just the thought, the _possibility_ that I could have let Kyle know too much... that I actually was in love with him... Not just a crush, but love...

But that was the thing. I let him know too much anyway. He was probably laying in his bed at that same moment, freaking out over the possibility that I liked him that way. He was probably telling himself over and over to get back at me some way tomorrow; to hurt me like he had never hurt me before. Something he could do quite well, I had to admit. He had certainly done it a few times before. Not as much as me, but still...

I finally had to admit to myself that I had fucked up. There was no avoiding it anymore. I had opened my big fucking mouth, and that was ultimately going to ruin any chance I had to make Kyle my friend. My plans of getting him to actually trust me were shot, and that certainly meant I would never have a chance with him romantically.

Slamming my body down against my mattress, I gripped my hair harshly with my hand, hoping the physical pain would help alleviate some of the pain I was feeling in my heart._ If only Kyle were here_, I kept telling myself. If only he was with me at that moment, comforting me, washing all of my troubles away with his calming presence. I closed my eyes and slowly began to run my hand through my hair, soon imagining that it was him instead. I could practically feel his lips ghosting across my forehead, providing me with a sense of comfort as he whispered sweet nothings into my ear. God, it felt _so _nice...

"_Kyle..._"

I soon fell asleep to these comforting thoughts, not ready to face the next morning where I would wake up cold and alone.

As I walked to the bus stop that next morning, I was trying my best to prepare myself for the blow Kyle would give me. I kept telling myself that I couldn't let him see any kind of weakness or emotion that would put me off as weak because that would only give him more reason to blast me. And I couldn't handle that at the moment.

As usual, Stan, Kenny, and Kyle were already standing at the bus stop, talking about some show that Kenny probably brought up considering it was about half-naked chicks on a beach. I walked up quietly, choosing not to interject my thoughts for fear of being noticed. The longer I could keep Kyle's attention off of me, the better.

I didn't go unnoticed by him for long, though. He soon looked over at me, the both of us making brief eye contact. I couldn't make out any emotions in his stare, so I quickly looked away before he could call me out for acting strange. And though I expected him to anyway, he surprisingly didn't.

My hands were twitching anxiously as we – or rather I – waited impatiently for the bus. When it finally arrived, I let the other three go in front of me so that Stan and Kenny wouldn't call me out for being unnaturally quiet. I walked all the way to the back, sitting down in a seat and stuffing my bag under my feet in a huff. It took me a few seconds to notice that I had chosen the seat that was right next to Kyle's.

Goddammit.

Deciding to try and start a conversation before he could thrash me, I greeted him in my usual way. All for the sake of seeming normal, I told myself. Like nothing had happened the night before. "Hey, Jew."

To my surprise, all he said in return was, "Hey, fatass."

When it should have been a relief to me, it only served to confuse me even more. Why wasn't he yelling at me? Calling me out for something we both knew was true? I could tell he knew. It was so obvious. I could just feel the hate and disgust radiating off of his body; his bad vibes were seeping into me like water into a sponge. God, I hated this so fucking much... Why couldn't he just... I dunno, look _away? _Do_ something? _

I just... god, I wanted him to like me back so _bad_. His inevitable hate just hurt me more, and I had no clue what to do.

Though I knew it wouldn't be good, I chanced a glance over at him again, hoping to catch his mood this time. There was still that little bit of hope in me that maybe I was wrong about all of this. Perhaps he didn't hate me at all; perhaps I was getting ahead of myself here.

As soon as I looked over, he did too, and our eyes met for the longest moment since I don't know when. My heart nearly caught in my throat as I saw his eyes, which were anything but hateful. In fact, they looked almost... soft. Confused. Scared, maybe?

...He was scared? Of me? But why?

God, if he was scared... oh, how I wished that I could have just reached over to him... that I could have touched his shoulder in a comforting way and told him that it was all right. That I-

"Well, hey guys!"

I immediately froze, turning along with Kyle to see who had just spoken. It wasn't a shock to me. Who else could have ruined a moment like this?

Butters leaned against the front of his seat, eying the both of us in confusion. "So, why are you fellas just sittin' there all quiet-like? Usually when you two sit together, you start yelling and stuff..."

I almost wanted to punch him for being a nosy little bitch. Or at least call him out for it. I don't know why I didn't, either. It would have at least made it look like nothing was out of the ordinary. I looked over at Kyle, who was looking back at me for some kind of cue. All I could do was shrug.

He took the lead. "Well, see, Cartman is a dick. Right?"

I blinked at this, feeling something inside of me snap.

"Uh huh."

"Ay! Butters!"

It seemed like my old self was back. For the most part.

Kyle continued. "He's such a dick that I've decided he doesn't even deserve to hear my insults. I'm better off ignoring him."

"Then why were you guys starin' at each other like that?"

This time I answered. "Telepathic argument."

"Oooh." Butters said simply in understanding, promptly sitting back down in his seat.

"Telepathic argument?" Kyle whispered to me in disbelief, raising his eyebrows at me, "Are you serious?"

I frowned back at him, not feeling that same warm feeling I was getting from him before. I responded to him coldly. "He believed it, didn't he? I got it under control, Jewboy."

After that, I crossed my arms and looked away from him, hoping that he would get the hint and leave me alone. He did.

From that time until when we arrived at school, I tried not to think about too much. When the bus pulled up, I grabbed my bag from under my seat, standing up and looking down at Kyle. He was staring off into space, completely unaware of the fact that we were at school. I could only imagine what he was thinking about. In fact, it scared me.

Hoping to get his mind off of whatever it was that he was thinking about, I said, "We're at the school, Jew. Get up."

He blinked a few times at me, finally snapping out of his thoughts and realizing that I was waiting for him to move. He quickly got up, grabbing his bag and walking out in front of me. I followed without a word.

I could tell he was trying to jump back into the conversation with Stan and Kenny as we walked alongside them, but he made no move to speak up. I rolled my eyes at this, caring less about what they were talking about. Still, I made the comment anyway to break the awkwardness that was us walking together.

"Fags," I said under my breath, "The fuck are they chattering about?"

"Girls," Kyle replied quickly.

"Ugh."

He looked at me when I said this. "Do you not like girls?"

I was taken aback at this, surprised that he was even asking me such a question. It's not like he really cared, right? I shrugged and look to the side for a second before giving him my full attention. "I dunno. The one girl who ever even showed any interest, I mean... was only for a minute..." I trailed off, desperately trying to think of a way to support myself, "Hey, if girls aren't gonna like me, I won't like them."

Kyle sat down on a bench outside the front doors of the school. Not really having anywhere else to go, I chose to sit down next to him. He was looking at Stan and Kenny again.

"I guess that's a good way to look at things." he commented absentmindedly.

I felt my blood boil a little at this, and I looked out ahead of me at a group of kids to help calm my nerves. "Yeah, but you don't need to. You've got girls who are interested in you. Like Bebe."

"I don't like Bebe, though." He shook his head, taking his backpack off and putting it down on the ground. "She's a whore. I don't like whores. Well, with the exception of Kenny." He chuckled. "He's pretty cool."

I snorted at this, leaning forward and crossing my arms on my knees. "Who do you like then?"

I knew what I was getting into here. Still, I had to know if he had an answer for me, which he probably didn't. But I would take any clue that would so much as hint at his sexual orientation. If I could just know if I had the slightest chance...

Just... This whole thing was eating away at me again, and I didn't think I could take it much longer. I had to know. My stomach was tying itself into knots as I waited patiently for his answer.

"I... I don't know."

It was a disappointment to me, but I didn't let him see that. Instead, I looked at him and raised my eyebrows in fake surprise. "You don't know who you like?"

He shook his head in response. "No. I don't think I like anyone. Not now, anyway." He paused for a second, then looked at me. I knew exactly what he was going to ask. "Who do you like, Cartman?"

"None of your damn fuckin' business, Jew." I snapped, feeling more uncomfortable by the second. It was now that I hated the fact that he was so prodding.

He was silent for a second before he said, "You sound a little defensive." I twitched at this, feeling the heat rise in my cheeks. God, he was figuring it out! Shit! He moved a little closer to me, making me even more nervous. "Is it a secret?"

"What the fuck did I just say? None of your business, Jew!"

He looked at me for a moment, and I could tell that it was all coming together for him. It was only a matter of time before he finally figured it all out and called me out for it. My stomach felt like a rock.

"C'mon, you can tell me." He said in the most soothing way ever, placing a gentle hand on my back. I twitched again, but didn't bother to move away. That would make him even more suspicious that it was him I liked, and I had already given him more than enough clues.

"You saved me last night..." he continued, "...and after what you said... you like me enough to tell me an itty, bitty secret, right?"

"Don't talk about last night." I seethed, finding the snow on the ground very interesting. I had to defend myself here, as hopeless as it seemed. "I... I wasn't thinking. I just... I mean... I... Just don't. Last night doesn't matter."

To my relief, he pulled away from me. "After all you said? Not hating me for being a Jew, and that if you killed them all you'd keep me... You didn't want to lose me..."

Before I could think about what I was doing, my face was suddenly in his. "Shut. Up." I snarled.

He backed away from me a little, nothing but fear in his eyes. Seeing this snapped me back into a calmer state, and I sighed, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Okay, look. I... I meant all of that, okay? But... I... I don't wanna talk about it out here." I glanced around. "Not around these assholes. Even if they won't hear us." I licked my lips and looked to the side, still hurting a bit from the thought that I actually scared him.

"Look, that was all... really embarrassing." I continued, feeling my mouth go dry. "I mean, I've hated you for so long. Get it?" I looked at him again. "So let's just try to act normal around them. If... if you want to be all buddy-buddy with me, you can..." I paused, not believing what I was about to say. "You can come over to my house."

"Okay."

I pulled my hand away from his shoulder, leaning back against the bench and crossing my arms. I reveled in the fact that he was finally staying silent. Of course, that didn't last for long.

"So I can't know who you like?"

I clenched my teeth together, putting a hand over my eyes to try and compose myself. So much for him being the smartest kid in the class. Did he not get the hint? Really?

Apparently he finally did because he said very gently, "Okay, okay, I'll leave you alone."

"Thank you." I ground out, still covering my eyes with my hand.

After sitting in what felt like the longest silence ever, the bell finally rang for class to start. Kyle and I stood up, grabbing our bags and heading into the school as usual. We both followed Stan and Kenny into the school, but we didn't exactly walk together like we always did. In fact, by the time that we got to the usual fork in the hallway where we split, Stan and Kenny were nowhere to be found. It's not like it was strange. We hardly ever talked to each other when we went our separate ways.

Kyle turned to walk off to his first class, but before he could get very far I reached out on complete impulse and grabbed his sleeve, making him stay. He looked at me in terror, probably scared because people would notice our behavior. To be honest, I was afraid too, but something made me hold onto his sleeve like I was afraid to let him go.

Again, I was lost in trying to find an excuse for my actions. I hated doing this. I wasn't good at it at all. But... I tried anyway. "Hey, uh Jew... I, um..." I started, my voice anything but confident. What could I say to him? There was nothing for me to tell him that wasn't either a dry insult or something that would totally give me away to him. My brain struggled to come up with a response before he called me out for acting strange.

I looked down at the floor, letting go of his sleeve. "I'll... I'll see you later."

"You stopped me to tell me something I already knew?"

I jumped at this, feeling my cheeks heat up as his comment made me realize how stupid I was for saying that. Maybe I should have told him that I was... But still, what would he think of me if I did? I just... I _couldn't_ take that risk.

"I, uh..." _Come on, Cartman, just tell him! Seriously, what do you have to lose?! He already hates you anyway!_

I licked my lips, feeling myself begin to sweat.

"Cartman, please." Kyle said in a annoyed voice. "I have to get to class."

My heart shattered at this. I swallowed again, looking away from him ashamedly as I moved to leave. "Never mind. I'll see you in Art."

I walked briskly down the hall, feeling his eyes on me for the longest time as I left.

I shivered.

Though I usually loved Art, today I didn't look forward to it so much. I sat down at my usual seat, my stomach twisting as soon as Kyle walked in and took his usual spot in between me and Stan. I waited a few moments before I acknowledged him, putting on my same, cold facade.

"Hey, Jew."

"Hey, fatass. Hey, Stan."

"Huh? Oh, hi, Kyle."

I reached into my bag and pulled some paper out, setting it on the desk. Suddenly, I remembered something. "The teacher walked out of class a little before you got here," I told Kyle, hoping to make things less awkward even if it was just for my sake. "Something up at the office. So I guess that means we can do what we want."

I leaned back down to dig through my bag again, searching for a pencil this time. "I guess," Kyle said. I could feel his eyes on me as I continued to search hopelessly through my bag.

"What are you looking for?" he asked.

"Pencil."

I felt a light tap on my shoulder and looked up. To my surprise, Kyle was holding a pencil of his out to me, encouraging me to take it. I just sat there and stared at it like it was a venomous snake staring me in the eyes, stunned that he was even offering me one. I felt my heart swell at the thought as trivial as it was.

But that was the thing. It wasn't so trivial here because it was_ Kyle_ offering _me_ a pencil. When I finally found my voice, I made this known. "You're... letting me borrow your pencil?"

He shrugged like it was nothing. "Sure. I have a bunch. Take it."

I took it carefully, moving it through my fingers and staring at it. Kyle had given me his... Kyle had... I felt my heart beat faster and faster as I ran the thought over and over in my head. I wasn't sure why it was such a big deal to me, but it was. I quickly gave him a, "Thanks, Kahl," before I leaned over my paper and started sketching.

I guess I was so overwhelmed and overjoyed at the fact that Kyle had given me a pencil that I began to draw him on my sheet of paper. I sketched out his face roughly, glancing over carefully at him to get his features down. Thank goodness he was too wrapped up in his own thoughts to notice my peeks. Just to make sure he didn't see what I was drawing, though, I hunched myself over the paper and covered a good portion of it with my left arm.

When I was finished with drawing him in a happy kind of pose, I began to draw something else. I blushed a little as I added myself in next to him, putting the two of us close together like we were hugging each other.

My stomach exploded with butterflies at the thought. I swallowed again, lost in my own little dream world where Kyle was undeniably in love with me, me with him, and that we were both happy with each other and proud of it. There was no denying that this picture was a clear representation of what I really wished for. Not like it would ever happen because-

"Whatcha drawing, Cartman?"

I nearly jumped out of my seat when I heard Kyle's voice, flipping the paper over with such force that it caught the attention of practically everyone in the room. I felt my cheeks heat up as my eyes darted around, finally settling on the source of my inspiration. "Uh... n-nothing."

Kyle didn't take the bait. "Cartman, with a reaction like that, do you really expect me to believe you?"

At that moment the teacher walked back in, and I breathed a sigh of relief. She mentioned something about getting back to work; I didn't really take note of it because I was too focused on how close of a call that was. As we continued work on whatever project it was we were working on, I tried to rid the shakes from my body.

Fortunately for me, Kyle didn't ask about the picture again.

After school was probably just as bad as school itself. Kenny had just taken note of my strange behavior and was bombarding me with all kinds of questions. I cursed myself for having such perceptive friends.

"You just seemed so different," he said, "Seriously, dude, I'm trying to be nice here. What's up?"

"Nothing, you poor piece of shit." I growled, maintaining my cold facade towards him. I nodded in a direction, saying, "Look, your house is that way. Can you go away already?"

He rolled his eyes at me but took the hint. "Fine, fine. Have it your way." He waved and turned to head of to his house, finally leaving us alone.

This didn't last for long, though.

"Kenny's right, though," Stan said, facing me after giving Kenny a final wave goodbye. "You were different."

I felt myself about to snap in fucking half from sheer annoyance. "So he finally drops it, and you just pick it back up?" I snarled, giving Stan a hard glare. "There's nothin' different about me. Ask Kahl!"

To my shock, Kyle defended me. "I didn't notice anything different."

Stan looked at me again and, probably figuring that it wasn't that important, sighed in defeat. "Fine, fine. I'll leave you alone. I need to get home anyway. Bye dudes." And with that he ran off, leaving me and Kyle alone once again.

Turning to him, I decided to bring up something that had me a bit baffled. "So... Kahl..." I began slowly, tilting my head at him as he looked back at me. "Why did you cover up for me like that?"

"You wanted me to, didn't you?" he explained. "And you know you're admitting to acting different now, right?"

I sighed at this. "I _know_ I was acting different, Kahl. But it's none of their fucking business." I paused here for a second, contemplating asking him something. I did anyway, shuffling my feet nervously in the snow and staring up at the cloudy sky. "So, uh... do you... do you wanna hang out?"

His silence scared me. I immediately moved to cover myself. It was almost funny how much time I was spending lately covering my ass. "I mean, if you don't want to, that's okay, I was just wondering, I mean, you don't have-"

"Sure." he said, interrupting my string of excuses. "Sorry, you surprised me there. Should we go to Stark's Pond?"

I felt my heart flutter in my chest again, stuck on the fact that he agreed. He actually _agreed. _Maybe he didn't really hate me like I thought he did. And maybe he really was figuring it all out. Though I couldn't be sure just yet. And... did I really want him to? I mean, yeah, I was trying my best to keep it hidden from him, but would it honestly be all that bad if he knew? I mean... he covered for me. He never would have done that before. Did he hate me as much as he used to?

I had no idea what to think anymore.

"Uh... yeah. Yeah, let's go there." I said a little breathlessly in response. "C'mon, Kahl."

We walked in silence for a few moments before he spoke up. "Hey, Cartman?"

"What?"

"What's with that accent of yours?"

I stopped in my tracks at this, blinking at him in confusion. Accent? What was he talking about? "...Accent? What accent?"

He sighed and I began to worry. Was it something that bothered him? I hadn't really noticed before. God, if I had done something wrong to piss him off, I- "You know, your... your accent. You pronounce certain words weird. Like my name."

I froze at this, feeling something shatter inside of me. Oh no. He probably... he probably hated me for that. But I had never noticed before... Was it seriously that bad? Oh god, I- "I don't pronounce your name right?" I couldn't keep the hurt out of my voice. I think he noticed considering his next few words.

"Well, I mean, I know you're saying Kyle, but... you pronounce it with a... hm... like, with an 'ah' in the middle. It's supposed to be more of a... more 'eye' sound. I dunno," he shrugged, "You do it a lot. I mean, I've heard you pronounce it normally, you just... you know. That accent of yours."

Though he tried to reassure me about it, I still couldn't shake the fact that I had done that. Had I really been doing it all those years? I mean, it probably didn't matter to me before – in fact, it was probably done on purpose – and I was probably so accustomed to saying it that way that it stuck. But now... it kinda did matter to me. It was probably really annoying to him; just another reason for him to dislike me.

I started to walk again, answering him slowly and dejectedly. "I guess that's just how I talk..."

"I don't mind." he reassured again. "I mean, I don't really notice it. It's just one more thing that makes you... well, you." My heart swelled a little at this. "I was just kinda wondering if it came from anything. Maybe it's you fat clogging your vocal cords?"

What little joy I was feeling was lost as soon as he made that remark. "Ay!" I barked, punching him lightly on the arm. He only laughed in response. I growled, determined to make my point. "I am _not_ fat, Kahl, I'm big-boned!"

He continued to laugh. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry."

Not believing his apology, I said, "Say it, Kahl. What am I?"

"Big-boned?" he said, more like a question than a comment. I took it anyway.

"That's a good Kahl." I smiled, patting his head. He swatted my hand away and we walked the rest of the way in silence.

When we arrived at Stark's Pond, I made my way over to the bench and set my bag down, walking out to stand at the shore. Kyle followed suit, the both of us staring out at the water in complete silence. As nice as it was to me, I couldn't keep telling myself that Kyle and I were actually going to go any farther than this. No matter how much I wished he would return my feelings that way, I knew it would never happen. I soon sighed quietly, deciding to break the silence.

"It won't stay this way forever. We can't be all friendly with each other. Not with how we're supposed to be..." I looked down at the ground. "We're rivals. We always will be. No one can know about any of this." I sighed, looking up at him. "Things are gonna go back to normal, and we won't ever talk about this again."

Kyle gave me the answer I was expecting from him, as hard as it was for me to hear it. "I figured as much. But... before we do that... Can you at least tell me why you did it? Why did you save me?"

"I already told you." I said in irritation, "They were gonna hurt you. Or kill you. I had to, Kahl. I couldn't..." I suddenly felt myself breaking a little. "I can't..." I stopped myself before I could get too far, looking off to the side.

"Go on." he prodded.

I gulped, figuring that it was now or never. This was it. If we were really going to do what I said we were going to do... well, I might as well tell him. It wouldn't make any difference in our hatred for each other. In fact, it would probably fuel the fire.

"I can't lose you..." I whispered in the smallest voice I could muster. I looked up at him again, my emotions finally exposed to him. "Kahl, I... I didn't care when you needed a kidney. I didn't. I... I didn't get it back then."

I walked over to the bench, feeling a sudden need to sit down. I motioned for his to follow me, which he did. I took in a deep breath, letting it out before I continued.

"Do you remember when your dad got a hybrid?"

"Oh, yeah. I do."

"Well… when you left, after a while I realized that I really did need you. You know, for… for making fun of you and stuff. You're, like, the perfect complement to me… You know?" I clasped my hands together in my lap, sighing again. "For every insult I throw at you, you insult me right back. No matter how mad I make you, you always come back. No one else can do it. No one else is Jewish, and no one else is as tough as you… They'd walk away after a week of putting up with me. When I realized all that, I knew I needed you back."

"I think I know what you mean." He nodded in agreement. "Lucky for you I got on that bus, huh? I don't even remember getting on it..." He shuddered, and I swallowed quietly, knowing exactly what he was talking about. I kept my mouth shut. "I'm never doing acid again."

"...Yeah." I said awkwardly, changing the direction of our conversation, "But realizing that was the first step, you know? Then... then there was the thing with Imaginationland." He obviously didn't know what I was talking about, so I had to fill it in for him. "When you died."

He was still silent, so I chose to go on.

"I know I made it sound like I was just happy you were alive so you could suck my balls, but..." Here I pause to swallow again, feeling my stomach tie itself into knots at the memory of that time. It was hard for me to continue, but somehow I managed to. "You... you were so pale, Kahl. And cold. You were so fucking cold."

I felt him move closer to me, but he made no other move to comfort me. Not like I was expecting him to.

"It felt like you were gone for hours. I was almost sure you'd never..." I swallowed again, feeling my breath start to shake. I was breaking down. "That you'd never wake up." My voice cracked at those last words, and the tears flowed freely down my face. I didn't bother to hide it, either. Kyle put an arm around my shoulder, which only made me cry harder. I didn't dare move it, though.

When I felt strong enough to go on, I started again. "I was trying so hard, Kahl. I had to make you come back. I had to. If I never saw you again… I couldn't let that happen. But I was looking in your eyes, and… and you weren't looking back… You didn't even know I was there. You were gone. You were dead, Kahl. You were _dead_."

I couldn't take it anymore. In a bold act, I leaned against him; he returned the gesture by giving me a one-armed hug. I sat there for a few seconds, crying my fucking eyes out before I sniffled and wiped my face on my sleeve.

I continued again. "Ever since then, I told myself that I wasn't going to lose you. I mean, I still didn't care as much as I do now, but... I... I wouldn't ever let you die. Never. I couldn't..." I paused, correcting myself. "I can't live without you. I need you."

It took him a moment to answer. The silence killed me. "Do you mean that?"

"Yeah... I do, Kahl." I said with all the honesty I could muster. I looked up at him with still blurry eyes, our gazes locking. "You're my friend. You might be a sneaky Jew, and you might always ruin my plans, but..." I soon sighed and shook my head, "I can't believe I told you all of that."

His answer kind of shocked me. "I'm kinda glad I know. I mean, I thought you hated me."

"That's the thing." I said, my nose now stuffy from crying. "That;s what I wanted you to think. You were never supposed to know how I really feel. But when they surrounded you... with those guns... I just couldn't keep it up. You know?"

He nodded. "Yeah... I think I get it. So it's just a friendship thing, then?"

I stopped, feeling my heart sink below my stomach. But shouldn't I have been expecting this? Why was I wishing that he would consider it as something more? I guessed he didn't figure it out after all.

My eyes were wide as I looked back at him. I had to make it look like that wasn't something I wanted. "Well, uh, did you think it was anything else?" I still had to defend myself if he still didn't know. "'Cause, uh, it isn't. Just... just friendly. Yeah."

Yeah. Good going, dipshit. He'll never figure it out now.

God, I was so stupid.

"Is that so, Cartman? It's nothing else?"

Well, shit. If he didn't know before he certainly knew now. I should have just kept my goddamn mouth shut from the start.

Guess I might as well just spill it now.

"Well... actually..."

"Well, well, well. What do we have here?"

Kyle and I both looked behind us, facing the same assholes from last night. I saw the gleam of their guns out of the corner of my eye, and felt my blood run cold.

"You're the little asshole who beat us up." The leader snarled, pointing his gun right between my eyes. I felt my mind freeze for a second as I stared at the weapon. "We don't take kindly to little assholes layin' their hands on us."

Finding my composure again, I stood again, bent on the thought of protecting Kyle. That's all that mattered to me at the moment. "Look, do whatever you want to me... just don't touch him."

"How cute," the leader laughed, keeping his gun pointed at me. "Protecting your little boyfriend, huh? That's pretty brave of you, kid. Now, we just want a little payback for the pretty bruises you gave us..."

Before I could react, Kyle pushed me out of the way, standing in between me and the leader's gun. My eyes went wide as I began to shake, realizing that he was now in the same danger I didn't want him in. I grabbed him as quickly as I could, holding him in the firmest grip I could manage. I nearly cried out as he broke free from my grip, approaching the leader boldly.

"Look you wanted me last night, right?" He reached into his jacket and pulled out the small bag of gold he always wore around his neck, snapping the chain and holding it out for them to take. "Take this and _go_."

The leader snatched the bag out of his hands, eyes widening in shock as he looked inside. "Is... is this gold?"

"Yes. You can have someone check it for you. If it's fake, feel free to hunt me down. But it's not, so just take it and _go._"

"Alright," the leader said. "We'll go. But if it's fake..." he gave me and Kyle a glare, "We'll be back. Mark my words." He motioned for his lackeys to follow him, and as soon as they were out of sight, I grabbed Kyle by the shoulders and pulled him as close to me as I possibly could.

"You stupid fucking Jew!" I cried, shaking uncontrollably as I held him against me. "He could have fucking killed you!"

"He could have killed _you, _Cartman." he argued back. "Besides, I made him go away, right? We're safe now."

My heart continued to pound in my chest as much as I willed myself to calm down. After a moment of holding him, I decided to pull away.

"C'mon, Jew. Let's get you home." I began to walk away, Kyle following close behind.

"I wonder where they came from," he said as we walked. "Maybe they're from North Park. Or Denver. South Park is too small and quiet to have people like them walking around..."

"Doesn't matter where they came from, as long as they never go near you again." I snarled, clenching my fists at my side. "If they do, I'll break their fucking necks, I'm so seriously."

Kyle laughed. "How sweet of you." There was a moment's pause before he said, "Oh, hey... what were you gonna say when they showed up?"

I growled lowly, a sigh escaping my lips as I stopped walking. "I knew you'd ask that... I just knew it... Look, it's best to just forget about it. I'm just..." I sighed again, my breath still shaky, "I'm shaken up right now. Let's talk about it later."

But Kyle wouldn't have it. He trotted in front of me, and I frowned at him. "C'mon, Cartman... can't you tell me? I can already guess what it was, but..."

I raised an eyebrow at this. So he did know. "Oh? You think you know what I was about to say?"

"I dunno." He shrugged, looking down at the snow. "I can guess."

I blinked softly, taking a moment before I walked over to him and placed my hand on his cheek. He gasped and looked up at me, searching my eyes for something. I didn't try to cover up the nervousness I was feeling at the moment.

"Kahl... I've told you a lot of things today that I never wanted anyone to know, least of all you. Remember how I said there was one thing I'd take with me to the grave? The little secret that really made you matter?"

"Yeah... you said you would take it to the grave unless you found a reason not to, though."

I raised my eyebrows at him, now searching his eyes for something. From what I could tell, he was almost as nervous as I was. "Do you have a reason for me, then?"

His cheek grew warm in my hand, an obvious sign that he was getting more nervous by the second. I didn't indicate to him that I knew this, though.

"Well, if I'm right about what it is, I could give you a reason..."

He looked up at me again, and I continued to gaze at him, picking up his every emotion. I took a second before I asked my question. "Kahl..." I began very slowly, carefully, "Do you... how much do you like me?"

My tongue felt heavy in my mouth as I waited for his answer, Though it was only seconds before he responded, it felt like an eternity to me.

He shrugged. "I dunno... I mean, a lot, if you stay this way... All nice and protective and..." he trailed off, looking away shyly.

"And what?" I prodded.

"And..." he paused, "And loving."

As soon as those words left his mouth, I felt my heart rise up again. It swelled with joy and my lips turned up in a small smile. "You think I'm loving?"

I hadn't heard better words in my entire life.

"I... I dunno..." he mumbled, immediately trying to defend himself. It was something that I found very, very cute. "Just kinda... kinda seems that way..."

He gulped and looked at me, his eyes filled with nothing but shock. I smiled softly at him, my heart swelling with so much joy that I thought it was going to explode.

"You're a smart little Jew, aren't you?" I said calmly.

He blinked several times, shaking his head. "H-huh?"

I laughed softly, putting my hands on either side of his face, gently cradling it. "I was kinda scared that you would notice, but..." I breathed, looking down for a second. I looked back up at him and finished, "I couldn't be sure if you would."

I could feel his breath coming out in short pants, his eyes wide as he spoke. "Wait... does that mean you...?"

I sighed, my breath ghosting across his face in a white puff. "Yeah." I replied simply. "It does, Kahl."

With that, I leaned forward and captured his lips in a kiss that was more than I could have ever asked for.

* * *

Yeah. It defintiely isn't as awesome as the original, right? Probably not. I don't care, really. This thing kicked my ass, and I'm tired of dealing with it. I'd really, really appreciate it if you guys let me know what you thought of it, though. I mean, I know it was long and most of you probably won't bother leaving a review because you're busy and all (I'll be shocked if anyone actually read all of this XD), but I would still appreciate it a lot if you did drop me a comment. I know I sound really pathetic right now, but it's kinda how I'm feeling about this whole thing.

Actually, I probably turn more people off by saying this shit but... aw, whatever. XD

Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it more than I did. I don't even know if I'll do this ever again.

Until next time, love ya!

-Soul


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